"Sick Of It"

"When everything you do
Don't seem to matter.
You try but it's no use
Your world is getting blacker.

When every time you fail
Has no answer.
Every empty promise made
Is a reminder.

No one can make this better
Take control, it's now or never!"

 

Sick Of It

-Skillet

 

 

     My biggest learning curb is my own family. I am coming to realize that everybody's family is a little messed up, but you always feel your own family's failures more profoundly.

 

     I've shared before that my relationship with my mother is difficult and unique; in turn, so is my relationship with my sister. They live together and feed off each other mentally and spiritually- not for the better. Since high school I have spent my life trying to cope with the way my mother and sister are, learn to live my life without their affects, and heal myself. Since I met my husband he has shown me the courage to find my backbone and myself (sometimes I wonder if he re-thinks that, lol).

     The past five years I have grown a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot! The past six months I have felt the most difference in the situation... I am sick of it! I am done! I am tired of it! I don't want to hear it!

They are adults. I am an adult. Everybody who wants to be in their situation is an adult! I cannot fix my mother or my sister. They can't fix my mother or my sister. Only my mother and sister can fix themselves, and they will not because everyone is catering to them. Why would they want to?

 

     I have listened to my family, gave advice, try to explain to them exactly what is happening, and done what I know possible to support my family without directly involving myself with my mother and sister. They are about to kill me!

     I pray daily for the Lord to show me how to forgive my mother. I pray daily that my mother and sister are opened spiritually and emotionally to God and can see their choices and the damage they have and continue to cause. I want them saved and to know God. I pray that one day I can have all my family together and not feel the bad things that cling to them and poison the situations.

     This week I have come to realize that maybe I expect too much from my family. (Doesn't that sound sad?!) There are two very special people in my family that mean everything to me. They raised me, and there are many emotional hurts for me because of how they behave with my mother and my sister. I feel like my son and I are the loyal hound that has sat at their feet for so many years waiting for my head to be patted, and my mother and sister are the puppy in the window that they visit daily but don't want to commit to.

     I am not trying to garner attention or being over dramatic. I can see this situation from every side, and no side can I see any one have a real relationship with my mother and sister. That is what everyone wants, but I feel like the only smart person in the family that can see this. My mother and sister are mentally not there... combinations of bi-polar and depression and they do not take their medications- even when they decide to buy it. One of them knows exactly what she is doing to play the family, and for the other one it is basically her way of life. She cannot function any other way but to manipulate people to achieve her own gain; it is an unconscious action for her. Shouldn't that tell you something?!

 

     I have a good husband. I have a wonderful four year old son. I have a loving church family that is putting me through school right now so I can become a pastor. I have an amazing Pastor who has done nothing but support me and help me grow through these pains. I have two best friends who basically let me live with them/off them/around them when I came back from college, and to this day are magically there whenever I am in need. My job is a job, there are good days and there are bad days, but in all it is where the Lord has placed me right now and I am working it. I am incredibly happy. I am blessed every moment by God.  And... Today I accept that I am done with supporting anyone or any aspect that is linked to my mother and sister. I am working with God to ease these pains, but it is not healthy for me or my son or my husband that I deal with these people in my family about this situation any more. I will not feel bad/guilty/responsible for walking away from it. As a parent I understand that there will come a day when I will have to look at my son and say "you are an adult, and I am not responsible for your choices anymore." I realize that I have taken responsibility for my family when they deal with my mother and sister.

     I AM DONE. I release myself from hearing about it, talking about, and poisoning myself, my husband, and my son with this stuff.