The last night of January and I'm putting up a post at last, my sincere apologies. I have been shown a lot since December and this month I stepped back to evaluate everything. Our lives don't just change yearly or daily- they change with every passing minute. I crave and chase the Lord, but I have to sit and listen and figure out what I have been given. This month is just the beginning. I know that.
The New Year sermon that my pastor delivered was amazing. It is what I have been needing to hear to get me through some things in my life. We all have a past, a history, that will never go away and we must acknowledge that our past is what made us who we are. We can't live there though. I never thought of myself as someone who lives in the past, because I am so focused on getting to my future.
My sin is not so much holding myself to the past, but it's that I hold everyone else to their past. Some things happened between my husband and I three-four years ago. I have prayed daily for healing; spiritual, mental, and emotional. It occurred to me during the sermon that I will never have the relationship with my husband that I had before that time. It's impossible. "I want it to be like it was before."- Never going to happen! It can't be the same. I sat in that pew listening for 25minutes and had to decide to accept that it will be different. Different does not mean bad, it just means different. I had to stop holding my husband to a place we were never going to be at again. I ask him to accept that I am a changing person, but I have not accepted that our relationship is a changing person. Our relationship can be so much better than even what I was trying to hold on to if I stop trying to hold it in the past. I have done my husband a disservice by this act. Whom I am now and whom my husband is now cannot be put into a situation four years ago and asked to deal with it exactly like what happened. People build pictures in their heads of how life is supposed to be and isn't that the silliest thing on earth??
Any and every relationship has these problems! I cannot stay mad at my mother and wish for our relationship to return to what it was 18yrs ago. It's not possible. Why would I want that? I am not ten anymore.
I am not the same person I was then. I am not even the same person I was yesterday!
I have spent so much of my time mentally looking at what was, and forgot to look at what God can make it. My mother, my husband, my sister, my job.... the list goes on.
What's worse... I look down at my hands holding on to the moment in time and want to cry for the chances God gave me that I have let fall away because I refused to let go and open my hands to catch it. So scared of letting go of that little moment that is four years/eighteen years too gone.
I had my fist clenched on a moment in time that no one can change. I should have had my hands open waiting for the better moment.
The next five minutes could be the next top ten memory of my life with my husband...